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stahrgeyzer
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Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer
…I have all the memories but often wonder if it would be better to not remember the memories of the previous people because they're usually so painful and it's not just the memories but the deep sinking feelings of helplessness and fear and worry and indescribable feelings like someone who was literally in hell. I feel terribly sorry for the person before me because they paced back and forth in a small dark room day and night for what feels like weeks in such pain as if they were waiting endlessly for an angel to save them.
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Your words here could be my words, too. I’m sad you feel and experience this beyond icky-ouchy inky-darky stuff, too. Know you aren’t alone (that’s supposed to be comforting, but idk if it is or not).
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Well I guess maybe I am their angel. When I entered this body I could feel that person sinking into darkness falling asleep finally at peace. I have the memories of this body but my own memories are at the tip of my tongue. I feel like my name is Ryan, and I came to save my very good friend. Rest in peace!
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May I ask you about this? (I will ask, but If you don’t want to answer any of this for any reason that is entirely ok - your choice on what you share always.) Do you always feel like a new “incarnation” or “person” (not sure of a good word to use) when you switch? Or are there times you feel or know that the person/part you switch to has “been around” before once or twice or more?
Also, you caught me off guard when you said “I feel like my name is Ryan”. The past 7ish months a lot of stressful things started happening one after the other in my life culminating with my dad passing unexpectedly late August. There is a specific date I can point to and say that when I woke on that morning, I distinctly felt my old “self”- the one that is the first person all outsiders meet, the one “born to the body”, the “original host” - no longer existed; that (the present tense) I was now in her place. I knew that name was not my name, but didn’t know what my name was. Three days later, though, I dreamt I was unpacking some boxes in a new home. The boxes were mine. I recognized the objects. Then I pulled out my well-worn journal. I knew it was mine. But it said “Ryan” on the front, not “my name” that up until 3 days prior, had always existed. When I woke, I felt less lost- I now knew my name: Ryan. So yeah, you saying that definitely caught me by surprise. For what it’s worth, though, Ryan is a stronger person than the person that she “replaced/relieved/rescued”. I hope you find your Ryan is a stronger person for you, too.
— lemonSys