You are making progress RD in that you are beginning to recognize how your exposure to a person who abuses/uses alcohol develops a pattern of behaviors that affect others adversely depending on their mood. That is why the abuse of alcohol IS a very narcissistic problem. There is a lack of self awareness in that how this disorder is unhealthy for others lacking the consideration of other people’s feelings. So if your wife happens to have a good day or a few good days others get to feel ok, yet that can change right? Wife is having a bad day so now everyone else has a bad day and look to hide away from the negative.

Often alcoholics decide they don’t have a problem if they can choose not to drink one night or a few days. Or, if they only have a couple drinks instead of several. This allows them to be in denial and continue with the loop that others around them are forced to deal with.

Your oldest is trying to get you to see this. And now you are starting to see it. When we love people that have this problem we often put up with the bad days waiting for those days when all seems well. This is something you unknowingly learned to live with growing up. It’s “familiar” and because of that you had not recognized the TOXIC.

You and your sons are not allowed to have boundaries. Life revolves around her. That’s unhealthy. I don’t think you know how to live without this kind of presence.