Happy New Years, I know it gets worse before getting better, but I don't kniw if I'm seeing my soon to be ex for who she is now for the first time or if she is just finally dropping the act that she cared for me. She is definitely more off putting is the way to describe it. She is talking with me less talking more to her friends which is normal I think. We are trying to get counselor appointment we found one we both liked but they are booked for months. I'm trying to get In to see someone sooner.

I also discovered my wife got another tattoo she never told me about long before we decided to split. Just another sign of how little I meant to her. She still doesn't know I know about it but I saw it the other day when her shirt came up. Makes me feel so unimportant In her eyes.

She is still visiting fetish website but claiming she has no sexual interest in anyone.

She is becoming less attractive to me everyday not sure if it's just me finally seeing who she has turned into now that I'm not hiding behind denial. My attraction for her is diminishing slowly.

I started going out more, went to a Tai chi class two days ago and enjoyed it but am thinking of joining a gym and doing group fitness classes.

Also went to a divorce meet up group earlier in the week. It was not a lot of people just 4 of us but it was nice to talk about our experiences. I realized my situation seemes to be much better compared to their experiebce since we are in agreement. A lot of nasty divorces That helped. I also made a friend from that and we are offering support to eachother.

There are a few people I met that give me those single and dating butterflys but I know this is a dangerous time. I'm being drawn to what is missing with my marriage but I need to heal before I can be good in a relationship. It's hard not to want to flirt though but I just hope I don't get carried away. I have a feeling I'm wanting to let this happen just so I don't have to deal with what I'm going through but that is a mistake.

I started going back to work after the vacation. It's good to get involved. I still have not told anyone yet at work. I know people have noticed and asked me how things are but I just can't bring myself to tell them. I hope it gets easier to tell them.

As much as I'm aware of everything, the more we separate our marriage the more painful and exposed I feel. I also am hopeful, I really think I've been in a depression most of my marriage and did not even realize it. Going out and doing some things talking with people I discovered my old self still there at times. The non depressed self who enjoys making people laugh and feel good. The old me who would rather be in the company of others rather than isolating myself.

Hopefully I can get to speak with a therapist soon and give me more guidance and peace through this time.
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I'm meeting with my soon to be ex this weekendx even though she lives here. My mother will takes the kids, so we can discuss the terms of the divorce. Then I can contact the divorce attorney to help us draw up an uncontested divorce settlement so I can file the petition. Will give an update later.