My Support Forums - View Single Post - What do you do when the other side won't say a word ?

*Beth* · Jan 07, 2023 at 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

... He is silent because he was never shown how to be open and remain safe with another person. In his home life, if you opened yourself up to anyone, they would take that opportunity to rip you up and mock you and belittle you. So, understanding how this has happened has helped a great deal.
...

I believe that it is essential to seriously and objectively look at, study, the environment that conditioned the "silent treatment" person to practice that behavior.

In my husband's case his parents and extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) truly came out of Victorian era conditioning. To have emotions at all was embarrassing enough, but to display them! - not only grossly improper, but the indication of someone who was either of low breeding or was mentally unwell. (Likely both, and probably from an "odd" cultural background, as well.) Light humor was permitted - keep it light, though- just a bit of cheek! Besides that, a snippet of "catching up" on family and friends (nothing edging toward gossip, God no). At holiday meals the talk was pleasant and so scant that the sound of utensils clicking against plates and glasses being set upon the table were the predominant sounds in the dining area.

Is it any wonder I get the "silent treatment" and if I press past it my husband tells me my "mental illness is the cause of my behavior"? Oh, the shame of having human emotions, feelings, wants, needs, desires! Horrid enough - but to say them, to name them, aloud! Pain, only pain, and perhaps damnation, who knows!

So I understand that there are a hundred reasons for why someone uses the silent treatment as a communication tool. What I do not understand, and cannot accept, is when someone uses it, it is clearly hurting a loved one, yet they make no effort to learn how to more effectively and lovingly communicate. That unwillingness renders the viability of the relationship questionable.