I saw T for the first time in 2 weeks yesterday and dumped a mountain of anxiety in his office. Things are heating up for another legal meeting tomorrow and there's been some recent "not good" interactions between me and my H. This makes me dread tomorrow. I asked T what I should do at the meeting when H says c**p and it makes me feel like c**p. It is so hard for me to have contentious stuff going on with strangers present--the lawyers, the coach, etc. How do I handle it? I can't walk out the door. Do I show emotion? (not sure how much I can control it... -- embarrassing!) Do I become aggressive? Really, I just can't handle what is going on inside me when this happens. Too many strong emotions--feeling taken advantage of, stomped on, treated like I'm stupid, etc. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And there are these "onlookers" there, watching me.

T switched roles when I said this and said he was going to give me some coaching on what to do at the meeting. (T is both my therapist and my coach.) He kind of leaned forward toward me, rested his elbows on his thighs, and began speaking so earnestly. I remember the tone of his voice, he was basically telling me what to do and how to handle myself, and I really liked it. I have a hard time remembering what all he said. I do remember some of it, but mostly I just liked his earnest and confident tone and the image of him leaning forward. Sometimes I wonder if T's know that their words are lost as the client focuses on something like their tone of voice? (Or is it just me?) I didn't mean to do it, but the combination of his earnestness, tone, and leaning forward were very powerful so that's what I got from that interaction.

One thing I do remember T saying was that I need to "stay present" at the meeting. S-T-A-Y P-R-E-S-E-N-T. He really stressed that. In retrospect, I wonder, what does that even mean? Does it mean to really focus and pay attention to what is going on? I do tend to dissociate sometimes--maybe he's referring to that? T catches me at it sometimes and will say "where did you go?" if it happens in session, and I'm kind of embarrassed by it, as I didn't realize it happens so much. When things get too painful with H, I do sometimes "go elsewhere" in my mind. It's just a defense mechanism. The bad thing is when I do that and then "come back" I have missed a lot of the conversation. Then I have to sit there and listen and fake understanding what is going on until I can manage to pick up on the conversation. Or not. This is not good to do during discussion of a divorce settlement. It's very involuntary and I have no idea how not to do it or how to even know I'm about to do it.

Yesterday I also saw my PNP and she recommended some Xanax for my situational anxiety. She suggested I could take some X before this meeting. Is that a good idea? Won't taking a benzo make me kind of zone out and make it harder to "stay present"?

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.