Well random diagnosing or self diagnosing serves very little purpose. Sure your wife sounds like few people with diagnosed BPD I have in my family. It’s possible

But honestly what does it matter?

She behaves poorly and refuses to seek help plus she doesn’t want to be married. You could spend your whole life in misery agonizing over who possibly has what disorder. Or you could improve yours and your children’s situation and lead a happy life.

First option requires very little work but has a sad outcome. Second option is a lot of work but the outcome is much more favorable for everyone.

Your wife isn’t your child. She’s grown woman and she could look for solutions for her own life.