It's been a long time since I've got everything out.. Hopefully I can take this opportunity to get things out there.

I didn't have a terrible childhood in the typical way. No physical abuse.
My Depression first surfaced many years ago, but I didn't have a name for it. I was too young for it, and didn't understand what it was, or that it was even not normal. I gathered everyone felt the same and just put on the happy face. so I did.
you're not worth it you never have been.
Some years later in school some of these were seen by a teacher. and for the first time I met someone who had a genuine smile, who listened and actually spoke to me. We still go to the pub every few months for a catch-up, even now.

Life kinda got better, in a way. I supressed everything. I stopped the stuff that drew attention to me. I carried on.
I got kicked out of school because I was underperforming. Making the school look bad. I Was suddenly 16 with no direction, nowhere to go. No idea what I was even doing.
A friend of mine at the time had a job somewhere and literally on the day I Was putting together a pitiful CV, told me a job was going spare.

I stayed in that job for 6 years, working part time and full time on and off. I had no guidance, but I kept the smile going.
During this I went to college, studied non academic and absolutely flied for the first time. I actually felt good. I enjoyed learning, and it was different.

While at college I applied for the armed forces, got turned down for the job I applied for due to pre-existing medical conditions. This wrecked me. I'd wanted to do it for years (Non combat role), but, because of something I couldn't control I was refused. I was offered an alternative position and with hindsight and being older and wiser now I should have taken it, but there we go.

I was still a disappointment to my family. Parents fairly well off, and saw me "not doing great" was the crux of it. About that time some of the gaps started to fill, the memories faint as a spiders web started to return, I was starting to work out there were "spaces". Random bits in time that I couldn't account for. I just thought I was overtired but turns out the "others" had been stepping in, in my place.

During college I applied to an emergency service on a voluntary basis. It was scary as all hell, but I committed and found great satisfaction in doing something for other people. Anything other than focus on myself. My spiralling thoughts and feelings.

Joined full time the job I was initially volunteering for, and actually found a good, close knit group of people I trusted.

Circa 2017. I'd recently lost a close friend, and then my long term partner split with me (after I found out they were doing the dirty behind my back for 6 months, or more.) Turns out the symptoms of my depression that I couldn't see, were the main reason.

Several months later I can't tell you why. It just felt like it was the right thing to do.
Ended up in hospital overnight, discharged. Work were actually amazing despite me being terrified that i'd lose my job, my home.. everything.

Since then I've been through the meatgrinders of several Therapists, DBT, CBT, etc. It's been getting better and better. I've actually begun to cope, to address the old issues, the past, the things i wanted to forget about.

I've been on and off meds, and for the last two years not needed them at all.

What I didn't realise was in the background I was slowly building up trauma. Bit by bit, job by job. Invisible rock after invisible rock has been going into my invisible backpack.

I've also recently been hit with the proverbial PTSD hammer, and good god that Is hell. It's screwed my sleep, and my waking hours. Work have again been amazing but good god. It would be nice to have a break once in a while. The constant onslaught of feelings and thoughts is quite the brain ****er.
I can't help but feel that loosing colleagues and friends to both natural and unnatural causes, and then having to deal with those same things at work has something to do with it.

I'm back in Therapy again, one foot in front of the other.
I've gone too far to give up now. I've got too far. I have several loving partners who I love and adore, and for once I actually feel secure in my relationships.

I'm going to keep on going. I owe my younger self that much. I'm proud of who I am now, even if i'm still a bit broken.