Yesterday I had a particularly disturbing conversation with my T. Things started - as so often - with the difficulty I expericence with leading a meaningful life. I always thought that being forced into an education I did not want were instrumental in this but more recently I am worrying more and more about difficulties in connecting with people and general and the unability to establish a romantic relationship in particular.

From there, the conversation went to a pattern I have been dealing with for months: I meet sombody, have a nice chat, think of her for a few days or a week, am scared that I am falling in love and do everything I can think so spuppress my thoughts and feelings and to avoid that person. But recently, I met somebody that I can't get out of my mind (and who started a relationship with somebody else shortly after we first met) and I couldn't get her out of my head. Probably because in this case, I cant hide from her.

From there, we went to familiar ground. "How do you deal with this?". Well, for one I was diagnosed with arythmia and carry an ICD and I believe that this will chase off any good partners so I think of this whenever I think of her, I am considering a mail order bride and I am also thinking of starting to date casually. I also pointed out this will not make me happy but there's a big chance this will devastate me even more. I need the connection, not sex. I don't really enjoy sex. And then, I opened a box that I should not have opened ...

"Why is that?" - Well, I've started late and have always been insecure about my "lack of skill" and this and that - all things that have been discussed time and again - and my ex wife used to hurt me during sex. I have told her many times I did not enjoy or want that but eventually gave up. And then, there was silence. There was not much time left to elaborate but I could mention the confusion this situation created but I believe I don't want to discuss this now (probably also because this might make you guys even uneasier with my ongoing ramblings).

I started this relationship when I was 36 and we broke up when I was 47. We have been sexually active for the first seven years. After that, sex became a means of emotional blackmail but she never kept her part of the deal. We have been separated for 3.5 years now.

I am pretty confused at the moment. I dont even know how to "label" this - although I I have my suspicion and I can hardly believe this can happen to an adult - and I'm afraid this will be particularly hard to deal with and it will probably label me - even more than my ICD - as "unfit for a relationship". I don't want to be this lonely for the rest of my life.