Thanks Calla ❤️ I am sorry you can relate.

Since 2007 when so many of my ponies and horses suffered so many different kinds of injuries I had been constantly battling to protect what I love and care so deeply about. When I had a post traumatic stress breakdown I did not receive the proper therapy at all. And to make things even worse, I blamed myself for not catching on sooner to what was happening.

I was encouraged to feel shame for loving and caring about my special animals. I really loved and valued what I had. My animals not only touched my life in positive ways, but many children including my own. I worked very hard training and developing strong bonds with my animals. They all became very trusting and kind and loving. I loved them as though they were my children/family. I had always been an animal lover since I was very little. It was a very predominant part of my brain. For me it’s inherited because my grandfather was the same way. I used my animals to develop a program that taught children not only how to ride but I also used it to build self esteem. And also developing healthy respect and self awareness when it came to paying attention to how our behaviors affect others. That these creatures are not just “things” but instead living sensitive beings.

I watched a documentary today called “Harry and Snowman” and this man expressed things that really validated things I feel myself. I found myself having watering eyes. I recommend searching for that documentary and watching it.

I was lucky that my in-laws were animal lovers too. I was lucky to find and train ponies where both my in-laws could personally be involved with what I did so that my child could develop her talent for riding.

My mother and I did a lot together and we got very close. As my mother was declining, she said to me of our time together “those were the best years of my life”. My mother was the one person who knew what was important to me and how hard I worked at it.

There is a whole side of me and my life that I have not shared here in the forums. I don’t because I respect the privacy of certain individuals. The thing that’s hard for people to understand about PTSD is how the brain changes and tries to protect itself by avoiding any reminders. It’s not even a conscious choice. The frustration of it and that constant question of “why can’t I just like I used to?”

I really struggled with how I went from loving my farm making it safe to going outside and becoming overwhelmed. The more I pushed myself, the worse it got. I was experiencing physical pain to the point where I would get them fed and practically had to crawl back into my house.

I thought that PTSD was very deep grief, that’s what I felt. I thought that it meant that it was going to take longer to get myself back together. I was only partly right, instead there was much more to it. I wasn’t sleeping well at all and I woke up a lot with night terrors.

I didn’t have health insurance. Because I had endometriosis and had to have surgery for it, no one would sell me health insurance. I was in so much debt from veterinary costs, $30,000 and battling the ptsd and trying to keep working despite the loss of animals to do so. I could not find a therapist I could see that specialized in ptsd that I could afford to pay out of pocket. I had such a hard time leaving the farm to go do jobs. The fear of leaving was awful because that’s how they all got hurt. My neighbor would let their dog out when they saw I was not home. That’s a major trigger, things done behind my back that end up hurting me or more importantly something I love and deeply care about.

I am very sorry for those who need therapy and can’t afford it or find the right kind of therapist. Since I joined these forums I have endured additional traumas. I have not shared it all.

Losing a loved one is hard enough. What I went through was hell. I really have not had a chance to mourn. I had no choice but to work during the pandemic. I had to earn money to pay to feed my animals. No one wants a special needs animal. And killing because of inconvenience is out of the question. I worked up to Christmas in 2021 and it got so I could not physically do it so did not work this past year. The stress of exposing myself to Covid during the pandemic made my already painful body from battling the constant stress hormones and turning 66 just wore me out. Now stress literally saps all my energy to where I get physically exhausted and pass out in sleep.

Once all was finally settled and my sister’s toxic was finally gone, I just really started to grieve. I did not want Christmas, I just wanted to sleep. I and so tired and weepy. I just want peace. I feel bad for struggling like this and not having energy to celebrate. I am just too tired.

I am sorry I have not engaged here. Not much energy.