Hey Everyone,

First time posting on forums, especially something so personal. I'd like to see different viewpoints on the topic, and open up my situation for discussion. Sorry for the long post and thanks for your time for reading.

Background: I (26M) am dating my girlfriend (35F) for 5 years now. The first 3 years were great, full of emotion and I can safely say that I was "in love". She's a wonderful woman and I could never really feel/see the age difference, until recently.

The last 2yrs have been choppy - she had an underactive thyroid gland, so her emotions and moods were swinging everyday for about a year, until she got treated. That's when I started losing my feelings - I still deeply care for her, but it's no longer "love"... I guess I was just comfortable, and didn't want to leave her when she was sick.

I thought I'd give it another go and my feelings might come back, we went on a great holiday together but again, only care and comfort. She's my first proper relationship, and I never really had the confidence to talk to women. However, as I matured, I became more confident and started seeing a lot more attention from the opposite sex.

She, being 9yrs older, had 7 relationships before me, and enjoyed her nightlife back in the day. I started noticing feelings of anger/jealousy, especially when she told me about her 2 holiday romances. We live in a small town, so I see her exes and guys she kissed in my gym quite often too... By no way it's judgement, it's more of a feeling of "missing out".

Here's where it gets complicated...

3 months ago she got pregnant (something the doctors dubbed as unlikely, due to her thyroid gland and medical history - I read the report myself). I'm truly delighted for her, as I know that she's a very kind person and will be a fantastic mother, plus it was her dream...

As for myself, I'm strongly against abortion and believe that children are a blessing. I know that I'll always be there to support her and my child, and would never bad mouth her in any way...

Finally getting to the heading... my dad, unlike myself who is going to have a surprise child, wanted me. Yet, he left when I was a few months old, never to support my mother or see me until I was 5... I promised to myself when I was a child that I would never leave someone pregnant with my child...

Unlike my father, I will always support the mother of my child and my child both financially, physically and emotionally. However, I feel a strong sense of guilt for wanting to leave... I decided to stay for the whole pregnancy and the first 4-5 months, to ensure it goes well and she has no stress.

I don't want to stay in a relationship for the sake of the baby, however I feel extremely guilty for wanting to leave the mother of my child. I just feel that if I won't enjoy the rest of my 20s (I think of co-parenting as an enjoyment, as I still want to be part of my child's life) then when I get older, I'll feel like I could never get that experience again.

Initially, we were meant to move abroad to travel Asia (traveling is a passion of mine, always has been)... I was meant to go first for the first few months and she would tag along after. My plan was to test my emotions with some distance. It didn't work out, and we got pregnant, so I never got to test that side of myself.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to get married now... but I can't even say "I love you", unless I mean it as the mother of my child...

My initial idea was to leave her with a sum that would cover the creche and other food expenses (+ extra) for 1yr... so at least she won't have to stress financially. I thought of going backpacking in SE Asia, to give myself that distance, maybe catch up on what I felt I was "missing out" on and see what I REALLY feel, when distanced.

I know that I'm an asshole, but would like to get some thoughts.

Thanks again.