To whomever is kind enough to read this:

First, I want to prevent any possible confusion regarding my subject; it's not intended as an insult to anybody else's choice of subject title, but rather an expression of the futility I feel at this moment regarding even attempting to describe my state of mind, save 'depressed.'

With that out of the way, I'm writing this as a plea for some kind of help and connection. I've recently been overcome by fatigue and relentless sadness. I have the feeling that my environment is largely to blame.

I'm a college student, soon to be a fourth year, and due to financial constraints, I'm stuck staying at home again for the summer. This atmosphere is depleting me of all my will to go on. My mother passed away almost three years ago now, and this residence always increases the saliency of my grief and struggle with bereavement. She and I had a very conflicted relationship, which made her sudden passing so much more unbearable. To make matters worse, she went to the hospital in the middle of the night, and my father was unable to wake me up since I had taken an Ambien to fall asleep that night. So I woke up to my father telling me my mom had died while I slept in comatose oblivion.

On top of that, my dad mentions my mother's death far too much for me to be comfortable. It is impossible to get along with him. I believe he's becoming senile. I have to take care of many daily things he should be able to manage. He and I argue a lot, and he just gets confused when he sees me crying. It's impossible to get any emotional support from him.

My friends from home are of little support either. Most of them are too far gone into the drug culture to care about anything beyond getting high. And the others have numbed themselves through daily routine and seem more like empty shells than living, breathing, feeling people.

My friends from college won't retain my calls, e-mails, or what have you. They are at this time my sole emotional supprt, and they seem to be fading off the radar.

I am overcome with lethargy and apathy, which is quite unusual for me. I have a lot I need to accomplish this summer, and I'm starting to worry about being able to do it. Research, studying for GREs, searching for grad schools, etc. I'm usually obsessive compulsive regarding my work, but now I just don't care.

All of this may sound petty and slight in comparison to some of the other impassioned posts on this website, but I feel like I'm losing myself. I can't connect to anyone anymore, I have no motivation, nothing is fun to me anymore, I hurt but can't cry, and I'm struggling with thoughts of self-injury, which I thought I had put behind me. I'm rather familiar with feelings of depression, but recently, while I was at college, I was doing so well... It seems I've done a 180. Despite the lack of passion in this message, my heart is just crying out to connect with someone, to FEEL something. I feel so insignificant and unimportant. I don't even know why I'm trying to post anything on this site. I'm sure you're all decent and caring people, but what do you know about me? What do I know about you? How can we REALLY connect to one another with pixellated letters on a screen? I just don't know where to turn, I guess... My therapist is back on campus, my meds aren't working, and my friends are either impossible to connect to or impossible to reach.

Well, to those of you who have, thank you for reading this message this far. Much of this probably didn't make any sense, I'm just rambling... I'm sorry if you feel I've wasted your time. I'm so alone, and I just don't know what to do anymore.