Don't give me too much credit.

I'm not strong. I'm durable. I can outlast almost anything.

Strong means adhering to a direction and being firm in your convictions. I've been SLOW to develop strength.

My wife has threatened divorce for years. Two days after she announced to the kids, in a big blowout, that she was divorcing me, she sat on the couch and put her feet on my lap and asked if we could watch something together

That history has done two things:
- make me think I over reacted or misread big situations
- made it hard to believe big things someone tells me

My kids were practically screaming at me to get them into a new home before I heard them because of the above.

A lot of posters here were doing the same.

I actually quit listening to myself, and just began acting "as if"...

As if I could move forward

As if what the kids were saying was accurate

As if people would support me

As if it wasn't all my fault.

And I'm still doing that. Emotionally I still want her.

Something that hit me was, I read about a personality disorder where people only feel value for what they can physically do for another person. They may end up in a relationship that isn't well reciprocated. That creates intense feelings of longing.

A person like that can mistake wanting love, longing for love, for beingn in love.

In my case my home I grew up in was awesome... then there was alcohol.... then it was awesome... oops, alcohol is back..... now it's awesome.

So, this is familiar to me. I'm used to insecurity snd longing.

RDM