Tgrspurr

I know you care but didn't know what to say to me. I know that you're not rejecting or abandoning me but rest assured I'm not in that bad place anymore, thankfully I was pulled out by loving hands and rescued. It really was hard to reach me where I was, I was very deep in the abyss and it takes nothing short than a miracle to reach me at that point and that's what I got from very unexpected places. To be honest, when I get that low, I really don't want to be reached, that's why it takes a miracle to get to me. Nothing short of God's intervention working through someone is the only way to reach the depths of my despair. I always feel abandoned by God, He doesn't hear my cries until things are at their bleakest and I've totally given up and suicidal ideation turns to suicidal plans. That's where I was, working out the how and the when. I had already fallen off the edge. That is the only point when God seems to step in for me. I don't understand why He lets me get to that point. I don't understand a lot of things right now. My head is spinning, I'm filled with mixed emotions; anger, disbelief, confusion, betrayed, love for those who reached out to me, hate, distrust, power, hope, relief. So many emotions all at the same time creating chaos in my mind, shaking my head from today's life's learnings, so much anger, so much incredible anger, the immense need to lash out. I'm practicing great restraint right now, wanting desperately to lash out and not feeling that I'll always be able to contain myself, to hold it in, to keep it together... I've never been good with self-control and this time will be no different...the anger keeps growing and growing and that's not a good thing for me. I need to release it, I want to release it, it deserves to be released but yet it's still coupled with disbelief and confusion and not wanting it to be true. Betrayal is a horrible, cruel and sick game when played on the fragile, weak and vulnerable for purposeful, selfish gain. But when the game is over the weak, little lamb evolves to a big, powerful lion. The lion must roar and claim victory!!!