> I think it is possible to balance both.

I'm not so sure...

> I don't battle with how men see me because I'm married and I could care less about the thoughts and judgements of people who don't know me.

I do care how people see me. When visiting professors come (etc) then I want them to listen to what I say and to treat what I say with the same consideration and respect that they show their male colleagues. When people are visiting for a short amount of time that initial impression is all they are left with because they simply aren't around for long enough for them to get to know me as a person.

> There are so many definitions for "acting feminine" and it differs for each woman.

I think that is probably right.

> I don't think that shoving one's boobs in someone's face or sticking out one's butt is particularly feminine or classy, lol.

No. I mean more that some women tend to hold themselves such that attention is naturally drawn to their boobs / *** / legs. The attention of males and females alike, but it tends to have a negative impact on the consideration and respect that males show them when the males don't know them.

> I tend to also enjoy dressing on the more creative/flashy side-- funky accesories, a pair of metallic gold shoes, etc.-- so I wonder how that factors into the equation.

I don't have an issue with creativity / originality / well cut clothes (that are fitting) etc etc etc. I'm just talking about clothes that make boobs / *** / legs particularly salient. E.g., what are high heels if they aren't about showing off the calf muscle? I know some women wear them to given themselves added height - but then you don't need to wear them with the mini skirts etc...

It is probably hard to explain what I mean... I guess I just have an issue because my desire is for me to be inconspicuous in my dress. What is important to me (the most important thing to me) is that people consider what I have to say and take it on its merits. I think that information about gender / age / social class / sex / attractiveness etc etc etc that is gained in ftf interactions is unfortunate because it tends to influence people either positively or negatively with respect to considering what you have to say on your merits. As such... My aim is for my personal appearance to be as 'inconspicuous' as possible. My main gripe in life is that I'm uncomfortable in social settings where one becomes conspicuous precisely because one isn't trying to be conspicuous. For example, I wouldn't like to go to a ball because I wouldn't like to wear a ball gown. Not wearing a ball gown makes you particularly salient, however, and so... I won't go.

I think the biggest thing is really that I don't earn enough money to wear the kinds of things that are appropriate and that I would feel comfortable wearing. Cheaper stuff strikes me (perhaps unfairly) as often being kinda 'tacky' and the conservative well cut stuff that I like (and that would be appropriate) is well out of my price range. So for now... Cocktail parties and the like are best avoided...

The male graduate students tend to wear jeans and t-shirts and hoodies. So... That is what I wear. Because I am a 'graduate student' first and foremost. My gender identity / sexuality is something that I consider to be a private matter for me and for my partner - and not something that is for public consumption (that is the way I see that). You can get jeans that are cut for girls... You can get t-shirts that are cut / tailored for girls (and I'm not talking about the jeans where you are meant to show off your g-string or t-shirts that show off your stomach). So... That is what I do...

If you wear things that show cleavage then that is of course acceptable in our culture. But if you notice guys staring at your cleavage when you are speaking - then don't wonder why. I guess that is my thing. If you want people to listen to what you have to say then what you have to say needs to be striking and original and interesting... But if people are too busy staring (as a matter of first impression) then there simply ain't enough attention to go around...