I have suffered with depression most of my life. I am angry at God for making me who I am. Because of who I am, I live with dread of constant loneliness every day. I push people away. I was in two loving relationships with good me, both at the wrong time. They both got married to others and are happy but I am the one who is now older, uglier and even lonelier. If I was a different person I probably would have married them and would have a family today. Now I am almost 40, haven't been in a relationship or had sex in years, and want nothing more than love in my life. Why is it that God doesn't answer my prayers? I thought I did the right thing listening to my heart by not marrying my last boyfriend because in my heart it didn't feel right. I believed my true love was out there. Now I am convinced that true love doesn't exist for me and I should have just married him as he is a good man and I would not be so lonely today. I would not be afraid that I will never have kids as I am now older. I would be cute like I was in my 20s versus now being an older woman in a world where no available men who are decent exist for me. They are either married or not good people or don't want me because I am older and have never been married. I feel so empty and feel that God let me down. For 10 years I have prayed to him to bring love to my life. Both my exes found love within a year after our breakup. 10 years later and I am still as alone as ever. Part of me is mad and bitter for many reasons. I have tried meds, support groups and online dating. I have had zero luck in the romance dept. Why has God abandoned me? I feel empty inside and totally dead spiritually. I don't know how to reconnect to my spiritual side because I feel so let down. I don't know what to believe any more when my prayers seem to be ignored. I am a good person but I feel I am being punished. The one thing in my life that I desperately want, love, is the one thing that avoids me. It's like a sick game. So I stopped praying as I thought the more I ask for it the less chance I have of it happening as it hasn't yet, so why bother praying to a God who ignores your pain, your heart's desire and your desperate prayers. The thought of living the rest of my life alone and dying alone does not make me want to continue. I had always wanted my parents to see me get married and have kids and now I'm afraid it will never happen. Why is it so hard for me to meet the right man when so many of those around me do? I try to live my life by the rules. I don't have affairs with married men, but I have friends who have and are now married to them and happy. What is so wrong with me that love eludes me? I don't like myself because it is me who is the reason I am alone. If i was different I would have married my ex or would have found someone by now who loves me for who I am. I just feel like a lonely bitter woman who God has overlooked. I don't know what to do anymore but can't continue feeling the way I do every day for the rest of my life. People aren't meant to be alone. Some people are fine with it. I'm not. My heart so desperately wants to love someone and be loved back. That's it. Why is that so hard for me? The older I get the more lost I feel. I live with regret every day. At the time I thought I was following my heart, and now I feel my heart deceived me. I am nowhere near happier now than before. I am more lonely, more empty, more soul less.