Try not to beat yourself up for not seeing the gravity of the dysfunction sooner. All you can do is move forward from where you are now and assure both your sons you are there for them and listening.

As I mentioned before, your wife has become an alcoholic and part of that disease is denial along with defending by pretending not to remember and also playing the victim. It’s a very narcissistic disorder and some get mean when they drink. Also part of the failure to remember can be due to drinking so much that she blacks out. People can function in a blackout and have no memory to very little memory of this blackout period.