The past few hours have been hard. I break down and sob. I had started to come out of that last episode, and now another major episode is starting. I guess, eventually, I won't feel as bad as I do now. People go through worse things and manage to recover.

It's this constant aloneness that is eating away at my soul. I feel like I just want to escape it.

My primary provider is a physician's assistant. She won't get too involved in treating my depression. If I tell her I'm seriously depressed, she'll want to send me to the psych facility. Maybe they could help me, but I'm not real hopeful of that.

Maybe, if I was put on Seroquel, it might calm down some of the agitation I feel. Some years back, they were pushing that drug on me. I didn't like it and declined to stay on it. It did knock me out at night. It's miserable to feel so agitated at this hour, in the middle of the night. It takes forever to be seen at the psych facility.

A benzo like Ativan or Valium would help to slow down this frantic fearfulness, but they don't like prescribing benzos, especially since I take hydrocodone. I don't think there's any meaningful help that's going to be offered to me. That's what reinforces the alone feeling. I just have to live with this condition of my mind being a mess.