I posted about a month ago. My whole relationship history (sorry folks, it was very therapeutic for me though). I am nearing the end of my second marriage. April will be our 5 year anniversary but may be the day we file.
A recap, my first love whom I was with 25 years and had 2 kids with cheated on me and we spent years trying to reconcile but unfortunately he really wasn't wanting to. Divorce #1 final April 6 20xx.
Hubby # 2 has a gambling addiction that has been here our whole relationship, but I didn't really understand how bad it was. Nevertheless I have been beyond patient and paid off so much of his debt.
Even given my history of being cheated on, I never had a problem with him chatting with his ex wife for the first 3 years, but I noticed how frequent the chats were and how they called each other their "best friend". I felt like chopped liver.
So 2 years ago I asked him to stop contacting her and he got annoyed and accused me of not letting him have friends. I kept at it, but didn't give an ultimatum until just over a year ago.
I told him then if he ever talked to her again that meant we had to be done.
Well, right after Thanksgiving I saw on our phone bill about a hundred texts to an unfamiliar number. I asked him and very snotty he agreed it was her and that I just was preventing him from having friends.
In the next 8 hours, there were many texts between us, none of them pleasant. He was an *** about it so I said he would need to leave.
In the end, after he got home and lived in the shed for 2 days, I decided to allow him back in the house.

Why? I have a lot of anxiety and was not able to cope. He had settled down by then and seemed apologetic. I didn't want to ruin Christmas for me and my kids with sadness so I decided to put that problem off until after the holidays.
The hope was that hubby would realize his great, undying, complete devotion to me (haha) and treat me like someone he was afraid of losing.
Well, it wasn't happening. Simple things like returning my occasional texts (he wouldn't), or spending time with me instead of the man cave. He was always grumpy. Never helped with anything I hadn't asked for, and was pissed about things I did ask for.
Anyway, I told him of these easy missed opportunities to score points. I told him the keys to my heart. I gently nudged him to make things up to me since he essentially chose his ex over me.
But he hasn't.
So last Sunday, I talked to him and said that I needed words. I said I already knew the answer because he was SHOUTING it at me without words, but I needed him to say it.
I asked if he still wanted to try.
His reply? He thinks about being on his own and trying to solve his gambling issues on his own. We talked about how he seems to prefer the hermit life.

My heart is broken again. He really doesn't know what he wants and wants time to think. I want time to pay off some bills. So it isn't a rush.
But it kills me to see him.
I am torn because I wonder what is wrong with me that 2 men ditched me. My mother did too.
Then I think of his many flaws and how few things he has that are good for me. How many things I tolerate just to not be alone.
I am a truly kind and good hearted person and I don't deserve being treated badly.
But I am hurting so much I feel I may drown in it.