thanks LT & East. ETA OOPS!!! also thanks NP.

I was just so angry earlier I didn't know what to with it... a lot of it at h, some about work, and some other stuff going on then I felt bad for spewing it here cuz I used so many curse words. Feeling bad and changing my post is what put out the fire and I wasn't so angry anymore and was able to finish my afternoon of work. I remember a painting I did a long time ago in therapy about my anger being a volcano or something.... it feels like that again.... a very carefully controlled, underground volcano that sometimes the pressure gets so huge that it has to release steam or it will just blow in the most magnificent, terrible fashion.

Anger is so scary. Last week at the dr appt when I cursed at H and slammed the door on accident, released a little of the pressure and today's rant released a little more of it but there's still so much pressure that is built up and walking doesn't get it out, I need to be able to swim again but I gave up the gym membership cuz I just wasn't going enough to justify paying for it since we moved - with traffic it takes too long to get there after work. Maybe I'll get out my paints and do another volcano.

Ah yes. Anger. It terrifies me so, especially when it's inside myself. One thing therapy never helped me with - L said she didn't know how to help me with that. We used to talk about it sometimes... that I think the reason it scares me so MUCH is because I don't want to be like my Dad when he would get so angry and out of control; that I fear his anger is now inside me. All she could ever really say is that it's not his anger, it's mine, and they're different. But she can't know that of course, so we'd get stuck there.

I don't know. Anyway I've already started in on a new bottle of wine, as soon as I logged off from work... it tastes yucky but I'ma drink it anyway because tomorrow I'm on stupid phones again. I'm off on Friday so halleluja or however it's spelled.

I'm planning a trip to visit my sister in KC in March. I am so looking forward to that.