I met my wife in college. She was way beyond my level of dating. She was way more attractive and way more academically accomplished than me and belonged to a different level in society, so to speak. And she was humble. I remember the first time I told her she was beautiful. She blushed and became this endearingly awkward goofy creature. There was nothing pretentious in her. She made money babysitting and she'd be tanned and dirty from playing in the park with two little boys all day. I remember the first time I made her laugh hard and she snorted then HOWLED with laughter because she had been trying to hide it from me that she snorted when she laughed. And she was this really good kid who would walk across town with either of her parents in baggy jeans and a tshirt and be completely unaware of how unbelievably gorgeous she was. The college would have days where they introduced elementary kids to the campus, and it was like she was oblivious to other people, she'd just be with the kids, sitting on the floor with them at their level.

Guys didn't ask her out because they all thought she was out of range.

And I went for it. I was a farm boy working my way through college building houses and driving dump trucks. And she liked that I was strong and that I looked out for her and that I was respectful to her. I remember driving in my old truck, and Johnny Cash, "If I was a Carpenter" came on the radio in a McDonald's drive thru and she looked at me and said, "I would, you know. I'd marry you and have your children."

She had so many academic options and big money job options after graduation, she was recruited for work for years after graduation, but she knew she didn't want to work for too long. She wanted a family and wanted time at home. But first, she financially supported me through a 2nd degree.

20+ years later and she's still effortlessly gorgeous. Needs 20 min to get ready and leave. People who meet her often assume she's in her mid 30s though she's over 45. I've never been able to stop myself from just staring at her. She hit the genetic lottery. There's a reason my kids are so freakishly strong and tall.

And tonight, my oldest said he hopes we end up in family court, because he wants everyone to know how abusive she was with him during her low periods. He had example, after example, of horrible things she said to him, belittling and berating things, isolating things she did when he was a little boy. He collapsed to the floor crying yelling at me not to touch him.

What happened?

She's screamed at me for years that I'm toxic and destroying her. But with her not here the place is lighter. The kids are happier. My relationships with them are wonderful, and I'm thankful for lots of other good friendships and relationships too.

I'm still wondering, did I make her into what she is now? I believe my kids more than my own memories, but it's still so hard to reconcile how this deeply beautiful person became this.