Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I have a similar relationship with my brother. He hasn't spoken to me in ten years. I don't know where he is . . . or even if he's still alive. It's unlikely I will ever hear from him. He got angry with me for some stupid reason. I think of him every day and I mourn the loss of him from my life. I hope he's okay. That would probably only be true, if he were in a prison somewhere. That's where he is safest.
I don't get depressed over him anymore. I've had loads of time to adjust to the reality of what I can expect - that I won't hear from him. Once in a while, I shed some tears, thinking of him and the awful existance he experiences: alcoholic, drugged, in and out of jail, homeless, wandering, horribly alone and alienated, physically wasted. I cry once in a while because I love him. It's a sad feeling I get, but not depressing. I know what to expect, and I've adjusted to that reality.
With the sister I mentioned above, I don't know what to expect. She is erratic. At times, she's my best friend. I enjoy that while it lasts. Then, when she's drinking, everything can change. She can blow up at me and then distance herself. Maybe she doesn't call me for a year. Then, out of the blue, she calls and all is fine. A person she loves one day - she may hate the next . . . and vice versa. Sometimes I lose track of whether I'm in her white book, or her black book. It's crazy making. I like her too much to just stop having a relationship with her. She becomes genuinely confused and gets intensely angry when that's not called for. She has physically attacked people and gotten arrested for it. I'm exhausted trying to "manage" my relationship with her. Things between us had been very good for quite a spell. But, when I was sick this summer, things got crazy. A wine-fueled phone call started nice, but went off the rails. I did learn that trying to reason with an inebriated person is a fool's errand. Over recent months, it became apparent that I was on her black list. I've been very sad about that. It fed in to me getting depressed. Today I'm on her white list. She always self-justifies. She gets confused and she confuses me. DBT and CBT can't sort this out for me. It's a nauseating ride.
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I am sorry to hear about your brother!
My brother is okay. He is a busy man and forgets to call me. If I want contact with this busy man, I have to stand for it myself.
Your relationship with your sister seems very difficult. I understand that it can make you feel down from time to time.
CBT cannot help you to guess your sisters black or withe periods, but it can help you with how to relate to your own feelings when she turns her moods.
That is what CBT is about, to think rationally about the situations as they occur, to find new goals, when a goal is taken away by life's circumstances and so on. The main goal with CBT is to become one's own therapist, to build new paths in life. Sometimes that is difficult, other times it is fun.
I mentioned CBT to you, because it seems to me that your total life situation is difficult, alone after several years with a sick BF who died (and more), not easy access to doctors. CBT offers tools to build yourself out of this situation, to help you to find the necessary steps out of it... (I meant if you can find a free online program, a good book, an app or something).
Nobody says it is easy, but it is not impossible. Take your time to think about what is the best way for you to make your life meaningful again, after all you have been through... You decide if you want to use CBT or other methods... Before you decide, however, may be you ought to think about if the leader of the CBT course you once took, was really good at the methods, if he gave you the right or wrong view of the Methods.
If you go up to the link I gave when I first mentioned CBT as a possible way for you, and click at the
"Download the Think CBT Workbook - A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Primer and CBT Self-help Guide", you will get an idea about how complex CBT can be. When you know more about that, you will know if these methods can be of help to you, or if you need to use other methods.
(I am not pushing CBT on you. I only hope that you shall understand better how CBT can help people and that the methods are not an easy way, especially if you have to do them without a therapist. You may have other methods that you know help you. If so, that is fine 
).
My own life has not been easy or isn't easy (I don't want to talk about it) I went to therapy (not CBT at that time) and mastered my life, job and all I wanted to master. Then out of the blue something happened and my whole life crashed. Pictorially one can look at the pictures from a bombed block in Ukraine. That's how my life looked like all of a sudden. All in pieces. Of course I could have cried out that these bricks are too heavy for me, and I did, but after a while I started to gather the bricks and puzzle them together again. No one has a guarantee that life will be easy. I take credit for not giving up and for being eager to find solutions...
I wish you well.