Quote:
Originally Posted by Motts
Your emotions aren't unfortunate. I'm wondering why you need to characterize them in that negative way? You were in a relationship and it ran its course for you.
So many men end up hurting themselves and the woman they're with, staying with the woman they no longer love. Their resentment grows, they have affairs, they abuse the woman (or do worse).
The smartest decision that you can make, that will have a beneficial outcome for you, her and your baby together, is to break up with her. Neither of you are the "right" partner for each other, in your opinion. And that's perfectly fine. The worst decision that you can make it to mislead her into thinking you do love her, by staying in this relationship through her pregnancy.
Think about this rationally. You didn't like it when her thyroid disease caused her hormones to fluctuate since it made her emotionally unstable. She's pregnant now, so imagine how unstable her thyroid and hormones are NOW that her body is creating a human life inside it. She is NOT going to be rational. She is NOT going to be dependable. She is pregnant. Pregnant women's bodies endocrine and nervous systems hormones fluctuate and become "taxed" by the human life it's building. Your baby's development and well-being is determined by your girlfriend's body's ability to sustain life inside it. That means: weird food cravings, a LOT of emotional instability (due to her fluctuating hormones), fatigue, nausea, vomiting, etc.
So, I do not think you should stay with her, unless you are willing to set aside your jealousy of her ex partners, and be willing to sacrifice some of your social life to physically be at her beck and call, when she needs you to run to the shops for her, or take her to all the doctors appointments.
If you aren't up for doing that for 9 months, then you really should break up with her now because I guarantee that she will expect you to continue to be there for her after the birth of your baby and beyond and she will still be in hormonal imbalance after the birth for up to a year.
This isn't something to take lightly by any means. So, you really need to think about the ramifications of your choices concerning your pregnant girlfriend. If you breakup with her now, she'll resent you but it's for the best and if you have a therapist together to help you two transition, then you are better off than waiting until after she gives birth, b/c she'll think of your abandonment in far harsher light after the birth than before the birth of the baby. But that is my subjective opinion of course.
This requires a seriously transparent discussion with your girlfriend that you can't be afraid to have, especially since you're going to become a father. These types of discussions require a level of emotional intelligence that shows you are mature enough to rationally discuss this without it devolving into a screaming match or physical altercation. Does that make sense?
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Hey Motts,
The reason I'm characterising my emotions as "unfortunate" is because I can really see her trying harder and of course, in an ideal world, nobody wants to split up when they have kids. Yet, that's the action I must take to stay true to myself.
Whenever she found out she was pregnant, she told me "You don't have to stay, you can leave if you want, all I'm going to say is thank you for making my dream come true". I told her that I'll always be there for the child... I can't promise that I'll stay, but I'll try my best. The next few months she was telling me that of course she'd like a proper family, to which I replied "of course, which woman wouldn't?". She also told me that she's very happy that I'm with her during pregnancy as it would be very hard for her alone...
I feel like it's my duty, as the child's father at least, to ensure that the child is developed to its best potential... if she stresses out too much, this could affect the child. If the child will be born with some issues, possibly caused by my leaving... I would never be able to forgive myself. That's why I think the child's best interests, it would make more sense for me to suck it up, and leave after the child is born, god permit healthy.
Part of this duty involves dealing with her moods, cravings, vomiting, taking her to doctors and any other physical and emotional cravings... I look at it as 5 more months of my life... I'm not in a war, I'm not suffering from a life threatening/significant physical impairment and while at times it's really challenging emotionally, I realise that other people have it so much harder.
I do agree that there could be a period of resentment after birth, however again, I feel like that's the sacrifice I need to make, to maximise the baby's wellbeing.
I feel like that chance will be lower though simply due to one conversation we had, about 6 months before she got pregnant. We decided 6 months before pregnancy that we'll wait 2-3yrs until thinking about a baby (assuming her treatment would go well)... I told her that I won't be able to guarantee that my feelings will change. We almost broke up, but got back together as she wanted to travel too. The travel plans didn't work out, and she got pregnant, knowing that I didn't want a child at present.
Again, I'm anti-abortion but pro-choice. I'll always love my children, no matter who gives birth to them... the timing just wasn't right for me to start a family right now, whereas for her, the clock is really ticking and finding a good man who will help raise and support the child takes time.
I'll definitely have a discussion with her after a month or two of birth, when she settles down. I don't want to have a bad relationship with the mother of my child, especially that I have so much respect for her. I'll hold back any anger and unnecessary emotions I may have... it's something I'll have to do for everyone's benefit.
Motts, I can't emphasise how valuable your advice and our conversations were to me - thank you sir, you're really making a difference.