I'm dreading tomorrow's session. I want so desperately to see and be with L, but I'm scared of continuing our discussion from Tuesday. I HATE the topic. It literally eats away at my soul. And that's why I have to do this. It's come up for some reason, so I need to deal with it as much as I can stand. I admitted and said a lot on Tuesday about it already. More than I ever have. My biggest fear is poisoning, tainting, or hurting L's mind. I've already did it to myself. I don't want her to suffer from it too.

How do you protect your therapist from the evil insode you? While still trying to get help? I know...her boundaries and feelings are up to her to manage. Sometimes I wprry that she's too accepting, and she must have to "detox" after our sessions. Especially about this topic. Do I continue to trust her that I'm not hurting her? I mean, she's known about it for 3 years now. And after Tuesday's admissions, she said they were understandable. So I guess she's not surprised by it, right?

Ugh! I wish this was never a part of me. I want to SH and destroy that part of me. I just want to be a good person.