Thanks ArmorPlate180. I'll dwell on the salt shaker analogy.

I like being partnered. Increasingly though I did have to give away more of myself to remain partnered.

My wife's physical illness progressed from 2013 to 2017, then she had a respite, then progressed again from 2018 to late 2021.

Along the way she lost work and education opportunities. I can look back and see the progression of profound depression in her. I remember really, really extending myself with Gottman style counselling for two years and almost breaking from it. The more I tried to "feel" her the lower I became in my own thinking. At some point I had to put up boundaries to keep us all afloat. I swear, by immersing my self in her feelings and trying to connect with her I almost broke. Her depression lows came out as bitter anger at me too.

I also know she didn't commit to counselling, medication, and lifestyle changes that she had to for her health and mental health. Pain and state of mind was self medicated with a steady trickle of wine. Steadily consuming a depressant and antidepressants and anti anxiety meds couldn't be good.

The point where things really began to change was during the first covid shutdown, which was when I became aware of how little she was doing. At the same time, the kids began to speak up against her for her constant anger at me and for just not being around. I ultimately said, you can deny these things happened when speaking to me, but you can't deny it to the kids. Please go to counselling with them, or us all in family counselling.

That set this all in motion. Having expectations of her. She needs unconditional love and acceptance. Having expectations or simply saying, That's not ok, the kids hear that language from you; that's not ok, that much wine will hurt you, started the downfall.

Yes, I'm codependent.

RDMercer