Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel
I'm dreading tomorrow's session. I want so desperately to see and be with L, but I'm scared of continuing our discussion from Tuesday. I HATE the topic. It literally eats away at my soul. And that's why I have to do this. It's come up for some reason, so I need to deal with it as much as I can stand. I admitted and said a lot on Tuesday about it already. More than I ever have. My biggest fear is poisoning, tainting, or hurting L's mind. I've already did it to myself. I don't want her to suffer from it too.
How do you protect your therapist from the evil insode you? While still trying to get help? I know...her boundaries and feelings are up to her to manage. Sometimes I wprry that she's too accepting, and she must have to "detox" after our sessions. Especially about this topic. Do I continue to trust her that I'm not hurting her? I mean, she's known about it for 3 years now. And after Tuesday's admissions, she said they were understandable. So I guess she's not surprised by it, right?
Ugh! I wish this was never a part of me. I want to SH and destroy that part of me. I just want to be a good person.
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I'm sorry you are dealing with a difficult topic Scarlet. I have felt that way before and wondered how my T can deal with all the stuff he has to listen to since he is a trauma specialist. While he totally validates my issues and admits they are within the top 10 he has ever heard, he does also admit that he has heard a lot in his career. So while we feel that we are tainting them or making them feel horrible with our past, we are only one part of their tenure as a therapist. For each client their past is unique to them but to the T, it is probably not the first time they have heard similar things. This by no means down plays your issues or feelings, it is just the facts of being an experienced professional. It might be a good idea to ask your T how you can get past your thoughts about it.