I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Scarlet. Hugs, if wanted. It seems like talking about your fear of poisoning/tainting her is important. Because it says a lot about how you view yourself, and I imagine you fear this about your effect on other people, too (if they don't know about it, thinking, "If only they knew, they'd never accept me.")

I hope she is able to reassure you that you're not poisoning her, that she can handle it. It's a different sort of thing, but I've told Dr. T that I feel like my love is poison in some ways, in how an ex, the former teacher, ex-MC, and then, Dr. T at one point (he seems to have come around to acceptance now) reacted to it. Like it's something to fear and reject.

Anyway, I'm wondering if there's anything symbolic you could do to make you feel better about this? This is a rather cliched example, but like if you could right down what you feel is the toxic thing on a piece of paper, and then shred it into pieces or burn it (though I doubt you could do that in your T's office!) Or a cleansing ritual of some sort, whether something that might tie into whatever your religious beliefs are (if any) or something that's more, I don't' know, mystical, like there's the tradition of burning sage in a room to cleanse it. Again, burning likely isn't an option, but I've heard of using sage essential oil to do something similar. Or, I don't know, if she has windows that open, to open up the windows or use an air purifier or something.

Not that I think you or L or the space need cleansing, but I just wonder if doing something symbolic could help in some way?