I am so sorry you are suffering. You have been through so much.

None of us are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect Infinite beings. We do the best we can given everything influencing us moment to moment.

Sometimes when we are feeling low, we put ourselves on trial. We have a judge and jury and prosecutor, but we deny ourselves a defense attorney. Such a trial can never be fair . . . not to us . . . and not to fairness itself.

You have been a good wife. You have done the best you could given the circumstances and everything influencing you moment to moment. That is all any person can do. Love and relationships can be messy. And sometimes our "ideals" about how a relationship should be can be unrealistic.

Often we beat ourselves up with these unrealistic ideals when it would be better to beat up the unrealistic ideals!
Ideals are good when they encourage us and draw us gently. But when ideals are beating us up, it is time to consider whether perhaps they are unrealistic for real live human beings.

We all could be better than we are. But is also true that we could be worse and we are not worse.

When we are in a low mood is not the time to try to try to evaluate ourselves and our lives. Too many negative emotions cloud our judgement and we lose the big picture.

It seems clear you husbands have had serious problems and issues. You did not cause those. And it sounds to me like you bore those burdens with exceptional tolerance and love.

I'd bet anything that if one was to look at your entire life from the moment you were born until now one would find that you have done thousands and thousands of big and little acts of bravery, of intelligence, of kindness and of beauty.

Feeling low can blind you to those thousands of things. When we are feeling low we can say: "Those things don't count." But perhaps they don't count because we become blind to them and don't count them. They do count!

Sometimes a therapist can help a person who is caught in a negative repeating cycle of automatic thoughts and feelings. If one gets depressed sometimes medication can help.

I wish I knew what to say that would be helpful to you. Unfortunately I am just a fellow sufferer.

You are certainly a person to be admired and treasured.