I don't see how IP would help either. I'm sick of being thrown into the hospital every time things go sideways, and they're not even sideways in terms of psychosis/mania this time. Am I depressed? Yeah, but I can deal with that. I do the counting days thing (150 days opiates, 120(?) meth, 87 IP, 10 days self harm, 4 days b/p (although I have been restricting)). It's not like I'm actually going to act on using even though that's my strongest urge. I'm scared shitless that I'm going to be drug tested at my next appointment and I don't want to violate my CD and go back to the ER for a month to spend a few days at the state hospital (and be taken off of valium to deal with the hell of akathisia from high doses of haldol).

But God do I want to use right now. I would take overdosing over going back to the hospital at this point though. But no, I'll just sit on this ****ing computer and listen to Deftones.

edit: The more I go IP, the more broken I feel because they can't ****ing help me outpatient and they can't help me inpatient. If I go IP again within a year of when I got out last time I will certainly kill myself, and I will make damn sure of that.