Thank you for your interest. Sharing ideas here brings some relief to my sense of aloneness. I think you are generous to call our discussion enlightening. You are a gracious listener, which is comforting. As you related about your own experience, simply being "listened to without prejudice" can be therapeutic.

Your sensitivity reminds me of a concept called "the therapeutic use of self." This is a clinical technique that I was taught in nursing school and that I used when I worked in the psych unit of a men's prison. On weekends, I was apt to be the only medical staff member available to have an initial encounter with a newly arrived, suicidal inmate. As often as not, this new patient would proclaim that he had no interest in discussing his situation with any member of the psych staff because nothing and nobody was going to be of any help to him, given what he saw as the hopelessness of his circumstances. I would explain that I was not qualified to offer any treatment but that I had some paperwork to fill out and would he mind if I sat in his cell to do that. The answer was never "no." I figured that, at the very least, the individual would be glad of some company, even if he seemed unreceptive to being interviewed. So I would sit on the floor like the prisoner and scribble away on my clipboard, just practicing my handwriting or making meaningless doodles, but looking like I was engaged in paperwork that had to be completed. I also would be providing a human presence to someone whom I guessed would prefer having that to being alone. I'ld ask non-intrusive questions like, "Do you remember what time you got here?" I was never told to "Get out."

It was my belief that this person didn't want to be put on the defensive, as to why he self-harmed or did whatever it was he did. So I'ld scribble and simply "be present" with him. Eventually I'ld explain that I was new to Corrections and was trying to learn what inmates experienced. I'ld ask if the facility he came from was a harsh environment, or about average, as these places go. That proved a great conversation starter. Generally the inmate was coming from a high security facility and was only too happy to decry what an oppressive hell-hole the place had seemed. This highly guarded, sullen person was suddenly a loquacious fountain of information. Now I had material on which to base a preliminary assessment. That's an example of the "therapeutic use of self." It is simply providing a distressed person with your presence and projecting no agenda, other than being receptive to what might get expressed. It doesn't mean sitting there inert and silently staring at the subject, awaiting their next move, which can appear threatening. That's why I scribbled.

I truly don't know what kind of help I could benefit from. It seems that, over many years, I've sampled pretty much everything that's out there, and what allowed me to move forward from a bad episode was always something I thought of on my own with no help from anyone.

Upon first meeting a therapist, I've usually been greeted with, "So, what can I do for you?" I generally want to reply that, "I'll be d@mned if I know. You tell me!" . . . though I don't actually say that.

I was intrigued by your saying that therapy hadn't harmed you, which seems a tacit recognition that harm can potentially be an outcome of therapy. That's very insightful and shows independence of thought. Coincidentally, I read today an article entitled "How CBT Harmed Me." The author stated that "CBT as a modality is based around gaslighting." Her claim is that CBT tends to reject the client's reported perceptions, which are denigrated as "cognitive distortions." She asserts that "CBT is built to be dismissive and invalidating." She allows that some clients probably are helped by CBT, which I expect is, indeed, true. But I found several articles saying that for depressive patients, only rather mild depression is likely to be alleviated by CBT.

I'm not mainly interested in excoriating anyone else's view that a given modality has proven beneficial to them. I gain nothing from doing that. But I won't silently accept being told that, if I failed to profit from a form of psychotherapy, then it's because I didn't do it right, or it was because I patronized incompetent therapists. I've been told both those things.

I think it depends on what a person is needful of. I suspect you found your "light touch therapist" empathetic and validating. You may have figured out how to get where you were going, but were glad of a companion along part of the way. That support wasn't indispensible, but it was nice.
Some clients are very consoled to find a source of affirmation. Some need to learn some disciplined habits off thought to escape the turmoil of their confusion. Some folks think best in the context of a dialogue with someone who helps keep them organized. I haven't found that I needed much help thinking through anything. My deficits lie elsewhere.

I have found writing this useful to me today. After telling my sister, two days ago, about my demoralized state of mind, topped off and aggravated by the recent stress of my car's major mechanical failure, I was terribly hurt that she didn't call me yesterday. I had told her explicitly that I have been depressed and was in need of some moral support. My big problem is that I'm socially isolated, which she knows about because she knows me. Asking like that for help from a family member is rare on my part. It feels kind of humiliating. To feel ignored after such a specific request for help feels kind of devastating. Writing this has calmed me down.

The collapse of a relationship that was very important can be one of the worst things to happen to a person. I've been in an awful lot of pain over it. Ten years ago, this happened with my brother, but that was not such a surprise. Also my boyfriend was still alive then, so I was not alone. Now he's gone, and I did not expect this new loss of another relationship - one of the very few that I have. It has felt almost emotionally unsurvivable, but I don't want to be destroyed by this. I don't believe there are any cognitive gymnastics that can enable me to escape going through a period of grieving. In 2020, my companion of 36 years died of cancer. In the immediate aftermath of that loss, I sometimes felt that I didn't want to live. Going on without him just felt too painful. I recovered from that, which kind of surprised me. I didn't get any special therapy to help me. It was just through the passage of time that healing simply came about. It's a mystery as to how that happens, but it does. I feel grief-stricken now, and I wish I could escape from it. Maybe grief will go away again, as it did two years ago.

Two years ago I went into a psych facility for an inpatient stay because I wanted to die. Besides my own gun, I inherited two more handguns from my boyfriend. I thought I couldn't endure my grief. I was much better when they discharged me. The bunch of meds they were giving me didn't help. The attention from the professionals at the hospital didn't help. I found that I felt reasonably okay, as long as I kept talking with my peers on the unit. What had made being at home seem intolerable was the aloneness. That's the worst thing in the world for someone recently bereaved. I had flown with his body to NYC, but had to return promptly, back to the desert Southwest, to attend to his affairs . . . like emptying out his apartment. In this area where we lived, we were 2000 miles away from either of our families. So I was alone. After I'ld been hospitalized, my two sisters stayed closely in touch by phone. That got me through. My goal has been to get back there to the Northeast for a nice visit. But, in 2020, there was COVID. Then, in 2021, I kept getting seriously physically sick. I'm finally recovered from the bleeding ulcers and thought we would have a great reunion in 2023. Then one of my sisters, in July, got disgruntled with me and ghosted me. So I'm reeling from that. Though we spoke two days ago, something is wrong, and she won't tell me what. I have to let go of that, or I'll go crazy.

So I looked to talk with peer-consumers, as I did in the psych hospital. It pills my mind back from CrazyLand. Thank you for your company, anyone who's had the patience to follow me this far. May your evening or morning be peaceful.