Thanks so much for those thoughts, EM. What you said really resonates, and I appreciate it a lot.

ETA It's interesting - relational trauma - I just read this "Relational trauma can impact our sense of self and our sense of self-worth. If we have inconsistent attachment figures, we may start to internalize the sense of being “not good enough” to have our needs met."

My entire life I have felt that I am "not good enough". And it also makes sense why I kept seeing L for more than 10 years - because of that whole intermittent reinforcement thing where so much of the time I felt 'good enough' within that relationship except for when I didn't and would try to leave, so I had to keep going back every time I had tried to stop, to get that good enough feeling back again, to use her once again as the "good mother" thing.

Back to feeling thankful that she said the things she said that hurt me so much in November of 2021 that ultimately allowed me to stop seeing her and to stay away for over a year now, and to really begin to see it as the toxic situation that relationship had become for me. It's strange because she also helped me in a lot of ways... until she didn't... and it also makes sense why I still love her.