Thank you Yaowen for the long, intelligent and thoughtful response.
Yes. You are right on all counts. I am hard on myself and have a very high moral code for myself. Yet, I have been in counseling many years, I am on meds, and I have absorbed every lesson I can from failed marriages. I aim to continually improve.
Overall, those near me do not get to see the grief I expressed here. They would be shocked. I am always happy and kind. And genuine. Seems contradictory, but it isn't. I can be happy and grieve also.
I have been a good wife, loyal, faithful, loving, giving.
I know I will survive. I did survive losing my first marriage. That was much harder than this one.