A part of going "no contact" with a narc includes not looking at their social media. I have blocked him on my personal facebook account. I have a separate facebook account for my abuse forums that I created secretly while still with my husband. I didn't want him seeing that I belonged to these groups and wanted to keep my activity private. So I created a fictitious account. I can block him there too, but I admit I have peaked at his profile more than a couple times. I. need to stop and stop being tempted. I cannot care about what he is up to.

I guess a part of me is afraid of seeing him with another woman - which will happen at some point in time. I am not prepared for this. A part of me feels like he belongs to ME. And I know this is irrational and unfair of me - I know this already and am fully aware of the contradiction. I cannot help how I feel though - I cannot help my emotional state. And I know it's going to be hard to see him move on. I am used to his attention being on ME - I know I have to let go, & I am working on it, slowly. It's a process..... I am just not ready yet. A first step will be to block him on my other facebook acct so that I am not tempted to continue looking.

I slept with that man again last night too - the one I've already slept with once. I didn't consciously intend upon it, it just sort of happened. We went to a concert and came back to my place afterwards. It does help me to separate from my husband more, but there's a slight twinge of guilt - like I am cheating on him. But I'm not cheating. We're officially filed for divorce now, so I don't truly view it as cheating but it kind of feels that way nonetheless.

I have mixed emotions. I think his love bombing and his emotional outpours as of late got to me a bit. I WISH I could believe in him. I WISH I could trust him. I WISH he was different than he really is. I have to stick to my plans no matter how I feel and no matter what my emotions tell me. Emotions lie and can fool us. I have to listen to my head and my logical brain.

So that's where I am at. I am a total mess.