My mood is all over the place. For 4 days I felt so amazing and euphoric. Today I feel very paranoid, anxious, sui thoughts (not acting on them, just to be clear, just thoughts of being tired of myself and wishing I could get away from myself and my brain, my feelings), random urges to cry for no particular reason, the feeling inside is dread and I feel like a total failure in life. I seem like I have it all together (mentally) mostly to other people, mainly because I hide any negative feelings and stuff inside, I don't really express my feelings except to my therapist and psychiatrist occasionally. I always say I'm doing well and don't cry or get emotional around anyone, only in private.

I used to be reckless and impulsive, kind of outwardly a mess. Now I'm just a mess on the inside. I feel intensely amazing and euphoric a lot of the time, but on the flipside when I'm feeling negative feelings/depressed/paranoid they are just as intense. I just keep it all inside though and control everything.