This is my fifth anxiety attack in as many days. I’m having completely unrealistic thoughts of RS or CR dying. Like RS went to 7-11 and I convinced myself someone would hold up the store and …. Everyone inside. CR fell asleep seriously early the other day and I used to be able to hear him snore (can’t anymore since his tonsils got taken out) but it was dead silent so I told myself that was it. Now RS is in the bedroom, he never sleeps during the day so I’m like he’s lying about feeling better from Covid and he’s actually getting worse.

This is all completely ridiculous.

Idk. I can go back on the 2mg of haldol with propranolol twice a day and just admit defeat to my psych nurse and myself. But I also think like meds can only do so much and maybe I’m just not using enough coping skills to feel better. Or are coping skills used to get through unpleasant emotions and thoughts but meds are supposed to help keep that stuff away in the first place?

Idk. I don’t have another appt with my psych nurse until Feb, I think Feb 9 but I could be wrong. It’s not worth it though, making an earlier appt, she doesn’t know me well enough to help in emergent situations. That’s how I feel anyway. I’ve gotten to the point that all I need is a prescriber and I can make the med decisions myself, tbh. I mean maybe she does know her stuff, we’ll have to wait and see. It’s a shame my old pdoc retired.

Ugh. I can’t even take a nice long hot shower bc I can’t soak my incision, I have to keep a rubber glove on but they’re too big so water gets in anyway. I have to get in and get out as quick as possible.