I want to believe that this state of mind I'm in is "episodic" and will not last forever. I need to believe that because this is making me wish my life would end. That probably sounds excessive and ridiculous. I do realize my story is getting old to listen to.

It does seem to have boiled down to me feeling snubbed by my sister. There are other sources of hurt going on, but they're not new. This feeling of being rejected by someone important to me is what really tipped me over, and I feel like I fell off a cliff. I've been in free fall.

Taking my pain pill two hours ago made me feel somewhat better. I wasn't even having any physical pain, but I took it for a mental lift. I can't do that too often because the pills have to last a month. If I run out ahead of schedule, then I risk having some withdrawal.

If I could just wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen, I'ld feel better. Might as well at least go try. I wish I could just vanish and not exist anymore.