Thanks, Deejay14. I'm sleeping too much. I wake up at night a lot. Mornings is when I have no energy and feel the most down. Sometimes, if I feel better in the evening, I'm afraid to go to sleep because - once I do - I'll lose the gains I made over the preceeding hours . . . and then morning will come, where I'll be way down in the trough and have to climb out all over again.

During the fall, I was doing pretty good. Over the two plus years after my boyfriend died, I put my broken self back together pretty well. The first four months were horrible. Then I knew I could put myself back together. And I did. Both my sisters wanted to fly out to help me for a bit. I told them I'ld be alright and, if I wasn't, I fly back to where they were. I was so impressed that they both offered. I decided that I wasn't as alone, as I had feared I was. They were just a phone call away. And they kept checking in with me. I started to thrive. Then, after 2 years, one of them ghosted me. I didn't even catch on for two months. By Nov. I was suspicious. By mid Dec. I absolutely knew. By New Years Day, it had been confirmed because there had been no holiday good wishes. By my birthday, it felt like my face was being rubbed in it.

My other sister sent presents and texts and called and sent cards. But I feel like I lost half my family. This has me in real grief. I don't think there's anyway you can "reason" your way out of grief. That's why CBT or DBT doesn't interest me. My problem is not "cognitive distortion." Back when I cheerfully believed I had two sisters I could count on, that was a cognitive distortion. That was a delusion I was happy believing. One of my sisters has a long track record of being unreliable, which is putting it nicely. Abusive might be more accurate. I just always cut her a lot of slack and made excuses for her. Now my rose-colored glasses are off, and I see how mean she really is. I was a lot happier when I was deluded. CBT says people make themselves miserable with unrealistically gloomy thoughts, which need to be challenged. That's not my problem. I'm sad over what I know is real. That's grief. I can't reason it away. Two things are needed: Time. I'm deeply wounded, and that won't heal quickly. Also, I need alternative support to replace what I've lost . . . to replace whom I've lost. That's very hard to go looking for in a depressed state of mind.

The thing to do now is to try and practice better mental hygiene. The specific, practical sugestions offered in the post immefiately above, and in posts further up, represent how to go about doing that.

It's just so hard to put one foot in front of the other. I sit in front of the TV because that makes me feel less alone. I did manage to wash the dishes. That made me feel a little better for a while. I should make a list and a schedule for how to get through tomorrow.