Saw Dr. T today after he'd been on vacation last week. I said how I felt bad about sending him such a long email early in his vacation, and he was like, "How long did you think it was? It was pretty short compared to what you're capable of producing! It only took me a few minutes to read." So that was reassuring, that he wasn't bothered by it.

He clearly felt bad that I didn't click with the backup backup/third-string T. I said I was concerned he'd think that he went through all this trouble to find someone for me (as R was away), and then I was being ungrateful saying how she didn't help. He said he didn't think that at all, how finding her was part of his duty to me. How it was more that he was concerned our second session would also go poorly, that it might have been better if I hadn't had a backup at all. I did say how I thought that (and some other stuff, like bothering him with email) that I was concerned about him thinking was probably my own voice in my head, my own judgment of myself.

I said how this vacation had felt more difficult for me than any in recent memory and wondered if it was partly because we were just at the tail end of working through a rupture. That I was just starting to feel more connected when he went away. He said, "And the cement hadn't set yet." I said, "Yes, exactly, not knowing whether it would stick. Whether your going away would affect it." So he seemed to get it.

I did joke that he and R need to coordinate their vacations, to not be away at the same time. He said, "I get priority though!"

It all felt connected, which is what I needed.