You need a person that is capable of providing you with a comforting presence. Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t know how to be a comforting presence for others and instead respond by sharing their problems.

You have been lonely for years now always thinking things could improve. You need a kind presence that can comfort you as you face important realities that are hard to face.

Being a responsible adult doesn’t mean you can’t have emotional needs. When a person is in an unhealthy relationship they end up sacrificing their own emotional needs for their partner. An unhealthy partner tends to have the relationship revolve around their needs.

From what you are sharing of your wife’s behaviors towards you and your children, she is demanding all of you to enable her and become codependents.

When you described the time you had with your sons while your wife was away, you comforted each other the way most guys comfort. A little tackling, joking, hanging lights you had healthy fun together.

Then what happened?

Think about it RD. Things turned unhealthy and the three of you were suddenly expected to be lonely codependents. Your wife doesnt have the self awareness to see how her behaviors are affecting her family. No, she has come off of unhealthy advice telling her she is THE victim. She is freshly mirroring these influences towards you from women who don’t know you. Sounds like there might be a narcissist in that group project her issues instead of helping your wife see HER own part of the problem. Part of that is using alcohol and Xanex to numb herself. Not healthy, not good and she functions and doesn’t act drunk so you think there is no problem. You have much to learn, and you need to have comfort as you begin to recognize the reality.