My concern for you is how you are too willing to accept blame for what is unhealthy. This is part of codependent behavior and enabling and too easy to manipulate.

Your good hearted at your core and this makes you vulnerable. You have a tendency to think others have your values when they don’t. That is what contributes to the “crazy” you experience. This is why your sons want to live with you and not their mother. They are safe to be themselves with you. Yet when your wife is around you give in and become her codependent enabler.