One more thing to think about. You mention feeling like crying, but holding it back. It's that same holding back that keeps you from talking to T. What are you afraid of? What would happen if you let yourself feel your emotions? That is what you will need to do, ultimately, to get better, and to trust, and to be able to be intimate. You mention being able to control everything in the past. We aren't expected to control everything (well, maybe we were in the dysfunctional systems that we grew up in), and when we try to, that's when we develop the problems that bring us to therapy.