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RDMercer
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Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 719
10 yr Member
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Default Jan 24, 2023 at 10:20 PM
 
They want to be with me, not her, because they can be themselves. But when she's around, I cave in and become her codependent enabler.

Wow. That is completely true.

I'll think on that.

Today was a bad day. My wife has been really, really hurtful with things said to our oldest. I'm floored hearing from him and his siblings about things Mom has said to him over the years. She really singled him out.

She also told them very sexist things when I wasn't around.... If you're in a bad relationship count on it that it's your fault, because 99% of the time it's the man.... Try to grow up. Men are mostly just toddlers.... It's always the man's job to pursue the woman and make her feel wanted..... Women don't date men, it's your job to date women.

Nice things for teen boys to be told.

This stuff was around a little bit before, but she's turned the volume all the way up on this topic since surrounding herself with single friends.... Toxic single friends who openly say things like, You don't need a husband, you can always find men to do things for you. They'll do it just for the HOPE of something in return. You can always find them.

TRIGGER WARNING.... BIG TOPIC BELOW...

I've carried a fair load for a long time. Lots of people do. Lots of people carry bigger loads than me.

But for all those years, there was nothing I could plan for or look forward to. Not a trip, not ... not.... Not anything. Even a meal, I'd have to go by myself, or make and eat it by myself because she wouldn't go to the restaurants I wanted to go to. Like... There was nothing. If there WAS something, an outdoor Christmas event say, she wouldn't go, or would cancel last minute. This resulted in The Choice... take the kids or stay home with mom. Either had consequences.

I reached a point where, caring for kids, spouse, zero positivity, worrying about house/money/cars, and looking after elderly family, I just didn't want to be anymore.

I wasn't thinking of hurting myself, but I did think... If I could make it 6 more years and go from natural causes that would be good. My youngest would be out of school at that point, and my life insurance would look after everyone. My insurance is worth more than I'll be able to give them anyway.

My sole role was caregiver and provider. I just wanted to see that to the end and be done.

When my wife got work, I thought... Ok, we have a way forward, maybe we CAN do something for enjoyment... Maybe I can be hopeful.... Two months later and she announced divorce.

Now some days it feels worse. Just slog through with even less income, and do it without the hope of having a partner. I love my kids so much. And even though the fighting was so bad, I deeply cherished the good moments with my wife. Without her I am 100% only a caregiver and provider.

I'm so exhausted in every way, and I feel increasingly invisible. I feel stretched so thin in every direction that you can see through me.

Yes, I'm on meds for depression. It's far worse without them.
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