My wife's primary care doctor prescribes her antidepressant, and I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner that I like. Accessing an actual psychiatrist in my area can be absurdly difficult and expensive, but we've both been happy with the providers we have.

You might also be surprised at how you feel with a new therapist. In some ways it might be easier than going back to L because you have a fresh start without any baggage. I am also wondering how you would feel about yourself for going back to her after a year away since you have fairly ambivalent feelings about your relationship with her. I don't think there is anything wrong with going back to her, but I do think it might needlessly complicate things. Even if a new T has to schedule you a while out, just having an appointment would probably start to make you feel better.

You make good points here. I'd add, too, that it can definitely seem daunting to start with a new T. But someone new can also have fresh insights. Part of why I stayed with Dr. T after intending to see him only briefly is that he seemed very insightful after the first few sessions. I'd been seeing ex-T for 6 years, so made sense that she likely wouldn't have as much new to say. Backup T R also had lots of insight. (Not so much the latest backup T.)

So it could be that you learn something helpful very quickly, or at least get a different perspective. Plus, you're not the same person now as you were when you were seeing L. And it may seem like you're starting from scratch, but you're not. You've likely already processed lots of things and know what is and isn't important to your life now and what you're working through. So it's more like starting in the middle, or even further in.

Yes, I know I mentioned going back to L, but I think a new T could be very helpful as well. I was just thinking of how you said you didn't think you were ready for that.