I don't think it's a case of my sister being overwhelmed by something she can't cope with. Nothing like that is going on. During our recent chat she sounded quite cheerful. Nothing was amiss in her situation. She just hasn't bothered to keep more closely in touch. It's just sheer neglect. That's kind of who she's always been. She connects with people based on her own needs of the moment. I've sort of known that already. It just never hit me so starkly. I used to just figure that she'll get in touch when she feels like it.

I guess when my boyfriend was alive, things like this didn't matter as much. With him gone, I'm more dependent on my family to feel I matter something to somebody. I don't impose. I don't take up much of anyone's time.

I'm very depressed. I know people go through worse things. I see threads by members who have had a spouse suddenly abandon a marriage, and they are in such awful pain. That must be terrible and far worse than my situation of the moment. I probably shouldn't be making such a big deal of my hurt feelings.

I guess, because I don't have children, I've needed my other few relationships all the more. To find that I need someone a lot more than I'm needed by them is hard. I feel so disposable and so disposed of.

Depression related to being too much alone has been a problem all my life. I feel crushed by it now. I feel so hopeless. I got through the last 2 plus years, despite grieving the loss of my boyfriend. After the first few months, I had been doing pretty well. I base a lot of that on that I was hearing a lot from both of my sisters. Not every day, or even every month . . . but enough to feel strongly connected. I was keeping busy tending to things in my life. I enjoyed the birds outside my windows and I enjoyed working on my cooking skills. I didn't need much attention from my sisters . . . just to be thought of a few times in the course of a year, which was happening . . . and I was content with that . . . and looking forward to visiting them, when that would be possible. Then one of these two important people was just unexplicably gone. And I can't seem to cope with it.

I appreciate being allowed to vent my sorrow here. I appreciate that anyone would listen to this. I don't really have anyone here IRL that I can talk to. I should go take a bath or a shower, but I just keep sobbing and wishing I had never been born. I have to stop this. If I could just believe that this pain will go away eventually. I didn't answer the text my sister sent today. I thought of texting or calling her. I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret.