Tonight's phone call about the path L and I are going to take was...good? Overwhelming as well. I can't even hold it all in my memory. One was learning positive thoughts instead of the negative, one was desensitization of the negative thoughts, one was a specific type of education, another was social support, and last was acceptance of myself. She listed the three end goals, but those are fuzzy and too personal anyways to say here. But I agreed with them. She said most of this we've already been doing and also most of it will be organic. She said things won't happen overnight and that some may take the course of years. She says she'll hold the hope for me since I have only a little, and she'll hold the path for me so I don't have to worry about it. She told me she just wants me to be the client and she'll be the therapist. She also said that all of this is within her expertise and that she's confident she can help me.

I'm still going back and forth between numb and shock. And I do feel a little better about all of it. It's nice that she's holding hope for me. It means a lot especially since I can't hold much hope right now. L says she's not going to leave me and that she's okay and we're okay. She says this won't taint her because it's not her issue. She told me right now I just need reassurances and time to see that the reassurances are true. She told me that the roller coaster of emotions will probably take awhile for my body and mind to calm. We did some deep breathing, and then said our "I love yous".

Oh! She reinforced that I do trust her even if I feel I don't. That not only would I have not written the letter and let her read it, but I wouldn't be communicating with her and I wouldn't have picked up the phone. She's also proud of both of us because none of this has lead to a rupture. She said ruptures aren't bad, and in fact normal, and it shows that over the last 4 years we have built a strong foundation. I agree with all of it.

Still...it's hard knowing that she knows.