I've been trying to reason with myself, as one must do when discouragement takes over. I know I'm having an over-the-top, extreme response to what would seem, at worst, to be a moderately disappointing turn of events. I guess this might fall under the heading of being a "trigger" experience. That word gets thrown around loosely. Not everything that hurts us is a case of "triggering." For me, social isolation has been a life-long challenge. As a child, I had a sort of social phobia that hampered me badly. I recognized that I had to push against it to try and live as normally as possible. But I was a kind of perpetual misfit, and that is tough row to hoe in this world. What relationships I managed to succeed at, I lavished much care on, like rare treasure. Having one go bad is not just about me and that one person. It is a trigger for recalling a lifetime of pain from so much failed effort at struggling to achieve connectedness.

I felt lucky to have multiple siblings, and nurtured my connection to them the best I could. Two of those siblings are, themselves, damaged. When they've needed help, I've come through . . . and often didn't even have to be asked. With my brother, nothing I did was enough. Even his own attorney told me I was trying too hard to fill a bottomless pit of need, in someone who would never reciprocate. He was right, when he said, "Your brother will only spit on you, in the end." That happened, but was hardly a shock. With this sister, I thought things were pretty good. Her life seems to be really okay. She has stabilized and has been doing well. Prior to June, she was really keeping in touch. I was happy for her. I was happy hearing from her. She hadn't blown up at me in quite a while. When I was sick, she said she wished I lived closer so she could be of some help to me. (That would have been a role switch.) Then, suddenly, she was gone. When they were alive, my parents warned me not to underestimate how selfish she could be. I did. It breaks my heart. Sooner or later, she seems to hurt anyone she deals with.

If I recover from this, I will be somewhat immunized against being badly hurt by her in the future. I'll know to not ever invest much hope in her being there for me. Once you stop trusting someone and adjust your expectations to that reality, you can avoid this kind of big let-down. Expect nothing, and you don't get disappointed. I expected very little, but even that was more than she would deliver. I'm not the first person she's done this too. She promised to bring my father something special to eat from a restaurant when he was in the hospital. A few days later I called him and asked how he had enjoyed the special treat. He said, "She never brought it." He was dying. That, in a nutshell, is who my sister is. No one who knows her would find that story real surprising. A year earlier, he had given her $6000 to pay for dental work she needed.

When she launches a charm offensive, she can be quite charismatic. I guess I fell for that over a period when she was in the mood to show me that side of her nature.

Now there's a void I have to somehow fill. I have to figure out how to not be so alone. Illusions die hard. I was a fool.