Ugh. I still feel pretty terrible. I think the haldol might be helping a tiny bit but adding to the problem now because being on the 2mg has brought the akathisia back full force. I did go to the gym yesterday and feel like I could have walked for hours because of the combined akathisia/self harm thoughts. This isn’t a long term solution. I woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to get up right the and grab an instrument and destroy myself. I’m only not bc I promised RS and he will never trust me again if I do. And I don’t want to ruin my job or Florida.

I’m a bit scared to tell my NP the whole truth. I don’t trust her. My pdoc only ever insisted on the hospital once, due to my first bout of serious paranoia and my therapist also only called crisis once. Well deserved on my part. Im not sure what the NP’s response will be. She may be an IP advocate. But she needs to know how bad it is. I can’t take it. RS can’t take it. I’ve successfully hidden it from CR so far.

I’m definitely going to go to the gym again tonight or take a walk when I get home. It will be very windy but at least sunny.

Oh my goodness I just want this to go AWAY.

I did have a funny dream though where Tom cruise was in my house signing autographs but he was a cat and we were feeding him bananas instead of cat treats and he was getting so mad. The mind works in mysterious ways haha.