When I came across the above it reminded me of you RD, always too willing to believe the dysfunction is your fault. You have been a responsible person working hard and trying to do what you can for your family. Now you sat with two individuals that have told you that you ARE a good responsible man.

Part of your problem has been that by believing the problem is you there is a sense of control that your changing things can fix it.

You cannot fix your wife’s alcoholism and most likely xanex abuse. What I learned is that individuals that develop alcoholism have other problems that can be NPD, BPD, Bipolar, ptsd, depression and other challenges. The addiction IS a problem that itself is very narcissistic where the individual lives their life in the toxic loop of the addiction. Like a narcissist one never knows what mood they will be in as they can go from being happy and nice to being cold and angry to being the seemingly helpless victim.

You could never fix this and it could actually get worse.