@Deejay14 - Thank you for stopping by. I can't say I did better today. I've stayed on the sofa, in front of the TV, because it kind of keeps me company. My plan was to take a shower. Sounds easy enough, but I've kept putting it off. Now here's the crazy part: I'm afraid I'll feel too alone in the shower. It makes no sense. I've told myself to put my small radio in the bathroom, so I can hear human voices, while I get cleaned up. It still seems too hard just to go in there and shower.

I used to love taking a bath, with candles lit and nice music coming from my CD player. Sometimes, I've even taking a glass of wine . . . maybe a book or magazine . . . maybe my phone propped up on the toilet lid playing a nice YouTube video for me to watch. I've tried to entice myself. No success. I've stayed hour after hour, glued to the sofa listening to news channels. It's like having someone here talking to me.

I haven't been this non-functioning in over 2 years. I only move to get something to eat when hunger motivates me.

Usually, I watch the birds, while I'm doing dishes. I have a window over my sink. The bird feeders are just about 10 feet away. Today I didn't wash any dishes. Just let them sit strewn around the little kitchen.

I'll take a shower now. I simply have to.

I worry that this "episode" won't end . . . that this is just how I'll be from now on . . . because it's been so long already.

Rationally, I know there's a chance I'll feel less hooeless, if I shower and make the bed and do the dishes and go through my piles of mail and read something inspirational. I have to try. I so want to get to where I can post here that I'm doing better. I want to get myself out of this quick sand. I just feel so sad. I have to change what I let myself think about.

I know all the right things to do. If only knowing was enough.