My very good, close friend who I love like a sister is going to be gone for 18 days. She and I will be 7,521 miles apart and she will be 10 hours ahead of me.

Yesterday I was so anxious and freaked out and feeling abandoned, rejected, all that good stuff, even though I know this trip has been coming.

Today I feel "cold calm" where I have such high intensity anxiety that I feel like a "lamb to the slaughter." I can do nothing to change the stated facts. I just have to go through it and survive it. It is excruciating but there is no way through but to go through it.

One of my hallucinations that I haven't seen in years popped up yesterday. A visual hallucination. The white queen. yes she wears a crown. I think she is here because of the intense anxiety and because of the deep sense of loss that I feel. I'm very attached to this friend and I have stupidly allowed myself to feel love for her (platanic) and to allow her into my heart. So now that she is going away it feels like I am being ripped in two.