Dear T,

I read something today, just now, that made me think. It said "confidence comes from the ability to self regulate. Self regulation is the ability to process life around you and respond to it rather than reacting to your emotions.
Reacting to your own emotions is exhausting and feels like a never ending cycle of stress"

This could go some way to explaining why I used to feel so confident. Why I was so confident. I didn't feel the emotions. I was cut off from the emotions. As soon as they started to come out, I lost all of my confidence, it feels, and I've never really been able to explain to myself why. Why that huge change. It felt like I had had a breakdown of sorts, but maybe it was because I was now feeling all sorts of stuff that I had never had to deal with before.

It honestly makes me question sometimes whether I was better off before, but I know I wasn't. Being cut off from myself had so many other drawbacks too. But it is hard work having emotions, especially when you can't manage them. I still have a lot more work to do on that I think.